Damn! The new year is already 25 days old and it finally feels like I arrived. I haven’t been at home for a weekend since Christmas, first because of skydiving in Spain, then I was invited to coach two groups at the Ladies Flow LO goes indoor event in Berlin and last weekend, I was flying with our all time favourite Cestmir in Vienna from Friday til Sunday. The weeks were busy and full of surprises too, so yes – this weekend will be dedicated to resting, netflix and doing everything I want, but without a plan.
So let’s finally start into the year with my annual practice of review and thinking about what to work on, and which things I might want or need to achieve. While so many people told me that they’ve had a hard 2018, I can say I am in the lucky situation of really awesome 12 months. Yes, it was a year of some fights, some big revelations (positive, negative and some a bit in between) and lot’s of unexpected surprises. But it was also the year of traveling the world, of 279 skydives, of meeting new friends and finding a bit of inner peace. Let’s have a closer look.
What I did well last year
Beginning of last year, I wanted to be more spontanous. I tend to overthink things a lot – which keeps me from listening to my guts and also from wonderful experiences. I kicked my ass several times and it always turned out to be great. Wether it was a trip to Slovenia or Klatovy which came to my mind on Friday morning and started after work, or visiting friends, or even finally seal some deals out of a moment where it just felt good.
Another thing I am really proud of is, and this is something that still gives me uncomfortable feels every single time, speaking out loud for my rights, my opinion or my point of view. I learned as teenager, that just arranging with things which I didn’t like or not making the effort to defend my position, is easier and even more important, avoids conflicts. This hunted me all the years until today. Often, this made me or my performance look worse than it was and, which is even worse, the results made me unhappy. I slowly started to change this, in my job and in my private life alike. Often the other person was surprised – especially the ones that know me for a long time, because they simply weren’t used to it. Even if I will always be a conflict avoider, this kind of confrontation helped me a lot. It is a difficult thing to find the right way to deal with such situations, but I am positive, that I also will get better and better in it.
What made me the happiest
I will refer to what lead to it a bit later again, but besides all the wonderful people around me, my amazing travels and the time spent in the skies, it was that I could enjoy moments more often than before. This feeling that you are completely in the now – this relieves and takes pain and stress away from you in such a wonderful way. It fills you with that warm feeling from toes to head and I can remember so many of these moments when I look back.
As mentioned my travels, and of course especially my Costa Rica adventure, made me happy. I simply cannot imagine a life without discovering countries at the other end of the globe, meeting people there, surviving weird situations and so on. Of course skydiving travels are awesome too, but not knowing what will happen on a trip is something different.
My job is sometimes really challengung, but to see what is growing and the work with all these creative people adds happiness to my life.
And this might surprise you, but I also loved the times being absolutely on my own, just enjoy doing nothing or just whatever popped up in my mind.
What made me fail
Remember that I wanted to get my AFF licence? Well. No. (Basically it still feels right, maybe I just wasn’t ready for so much focus and responsibility. There is still enough time to get it before I get old. Like. Really old.)
What I regret
I am proud to say that I don’t regret anything. I first thought there would be one thing, were I fell into old personal patterns, but in fact, this was the kick in my ass that I needed to open my eyes to something very important.
What I learned
Because there is one thing, which has been clear theoretically, but I could never fully execute it before: letting go.
I always thought that I let go of a person, a situation or some stories when I said, ah, I’m over it. I let it go.
In fact, I put it into a drawyer, just to store it there and take it out again some time later. I went through all the pain, the insecurities or feelings, and actually, I never really let it go. Even in that most influencing case of this toxic relationship I had survived some years ago, were I also was pretty far in letting go, I still had this bit of anger stored in such a drawyer.
This year it was different. I remember this week in Madrid, where I suddenly realized that fell into the same shitty trap as a billion times before. I had to face two different situations, one with a skydiving friend and one with a person that meant a lot to me. Both made me suffer and feel unhappy and insecure and angry. Both were in that place at the same time. It might sound weird, but one afternoon, during a weather hold, I just wanted to close that many tabs in my head and did a little meditation. When I finished it, I opened up my eyes not only physically.
And I then made this decision. That I don’t want this anymore. And I also don’t even want to put it into this stupid drawyer to just take it out in a weak moment. And yes it was and still is hard. Because this means moving away from people, ideas and dreams you had, of happy ends you have imagined and also sometimes from the believe that it will always work out. Because sometimes it just doesn’t. And it doesn’t make sense to feel angry about it or about a person. This anger would be the drawyer that stores all this and keeps you from really letting it go. It is just taking away your energy. No, in fact many things don’t work out as we want it to. But something else will, something way better, and with really letting go, you make space for this.
So yes, this also helped me to really enjoy ae moment and live in the present more than before. I could enjoy thid more often without blocking myself with stupid thoughts, something I am really good at. I could listen to muy guts better. And this not giving a fuck about everything and giving a fuck on some important things, this made me calm, happy and relaxed.
Ahm, yes but of course this doesn’t work always. Which is ok.
What about my goals
Well, yeeeeah, maybe I should really get that rating? Like, finally? ;-)
But there are some more things… I want to start climbing again. Or let’s say give it a try. I remember it was a little hate-love for me years ago, but on the other hand it also helped me a lot in rehab and recovery for my knee and back. Maybe I just have to start over again like I did with yoga and which was a huge success.
I also want to work on my focus. I realized, that sometimes, when it is a lot to carry, instead of focusing even more, I tend to sit down and do – nothing. Or the wrong thing. Which doesn’t fit into my usual plan-making personality and I hate it.
I need to work on my self-confidence. It might not be super obvious, but I am way more introverted than many people would believe. And too often I just don’t stand my ground or even worse play it super cool, even if it hurts me a lot, which both does not help no one.
What I should do more often
This would be to allow myself weaknesses and learning points and don’t be hypercritical to myself. I am often too strict and expect too much from me,because I forget that the whole life is a learning process. This is a huge stress factor and leads me straight into the trap being overwhelmed (yes, that thing I mentioned before ;-))
Last year I started journaling again, in the beginning very often, then from time to time. It feels good, but I got a bit lazy about it. Still, I am proud that I at least keep writing my 5 year diary. And I just started a new habit: every week, I write down one good thing of the week. Something special that made me happy. So by the end of the year, whatever might happen in the next 12 months, I will have a full glass of little papers and the proof, that it was a good year in the end.
So yeah. We all almost survived the first month already. Just 11 to go! No, just kidding. Let’s be confident, never stop dreaming and try to be open to whatever will happen. I feel hat it will be a challenging year, but one were many things finally fall into place and change for the better. And isn’t this the best reward?