Finally – time for a goodbye and hello post. The last days were rather crazy and sad at the same time, so now I needed some time to get a little distance – that I can find something to write about also you might have a little interest and doesn’t seem to depressed ;-)
Looking back on 2015, the year seems like a rollercoaster ride to me, both emotionally and in my other life topics. I started fully motivated to experience a little friendship delusion in February. The following weeks were dedicated to getting back on track after my foot surgery. And then in spring, I took the first really important decision for this year: no more relationships. I was just burned out emotionally so much because of M that I recognized that a relationship would just lead me into my old patterns and I just didn’t want to feel that emptiness anymore. Sure, there was also a big fear of another disappointment. It really felt good and also the fact that at work everything went better after a hard year, made me powerful and motivated. My first boogie in Texel was fun and I thought, hell yeah, this is gonna be my year.
Just to loose my job right at the first day I was back. It wasn’t the fact itself that hurt me so much, it was the fact that my boss lied into my face several weeks before. It was a big disappointment after three years of blood, sweat and tears and working together, and it took me some time to see this as a chance to find something that fits better to my talents.
The summer was great, lots of good weather, lovely students at the dropzone and having the time for a lot of sports and fun. I sometimes had to fight a little tandem video struggle, but on the other hand I earned the money for all my dropzone travels. I finally was able to kick M completely out of my life and even when he started to contact me again I didn’t care too much. Also physically I was back where I wanted to be: healthy, in good shape, feeling strong and good.
Of course this was also because of Mr. H. I met in July. I finally had this wonderful warm feeling again: that you just love to spend time with an interesting, clever, awesome person and whatever it might be, you simply can relax, enjoy and don’t have a bad conscience (which I always had because of M, completely crazy, I know). Suddenly waking up next to another person didn’t feel weird or wrong, it felt good and just right. I was never nervous when I met him, it always was like it should be. After all that has happened, he took care of me and was good and at the same moment we had fun and awesome times. I could be small and tiny and had the safety that there is one, who makes me big and strong – something I didn’t experience for years.
Many boogies, many trips and finally Sri Lanka. Travelwise it was a good year. I met great new people, had fun with friends, learned so much in flying and Sri Lanka changed the way I see life. The job search was a big challenge and yes, sometimes I was insecure and desperate. And especially when all of a sudden the thing with Mr. H came to an end, it was really hard for me.
That was also the point of the year, when it started to get crazy again. M and I had more contact after we met again after almost 1,5 years, in a surrounding that made that moment almost unbearable. And I got the offer to help out in the wind tunnel, the place where he works and it was clear that this would be an emotional challenge for me. In the beginning I blocked it totally. I just wanted to finally talk it through, but then unfortunately I let him get closer again and tried that friendship thing.
Yeah. And that’s the point. The think of appreciating a second change and really wanting it. After a difficult week in advance, important talks and a good dec 31st during the day, the NYE turned out to be a disaster. We had good flying and good food, enjoyed fireworks in the Prater and then met up with the tunnel people. And in the end, I was standing alone on the street and nobody gave a shit about me. I fought my way back to the hotel of my friends and had a little fight with a crazy guy in the subway. Together with my hurting shoulder from flying (a bands distortion as the doctor found out yesterday), I felt that my whole body was aching from inside and outside.
After spending the 1st with staff flying (which was again not the best feeling as you can imagine) I went home with a friend in the evening and now dig myself in in my flat in Linz. And think about the next weeks, months and year.
What will happen? What can I do to get out of this mess? The first thing is to again erase that one person probably. Obviously there is no other possibility, because in the end, nothing will change. At the moment I feel all the disappointment and pain, but I believe that feeling it instead of pushing it away and hiding it makes my will to take that step stronger.
The second thing is to take a final decision about my job – and this is strongly connected with all that crap that happened during the last two weeks (besides other more important aspects). It is a good feeling to finally have a plan, even it involves to say goodbye to many people I like and I won’t see that often again.
The third thing is to make a rough schedule of the year. I will go to Prague again at the end of Feb and there will be Vector festival and Niederöblarn in June. And of course Saarlouis in July, whoohoo. Later that year I would really like to make a longer backpacking travel and I have to find out where I wanna go. Of course it all depends about the new job, but I’m sure it will work out. Maybe I can even squeeze in some shorter city trips.
Today the owner of my flat stops by to discuss a new kitchen. Oh that would be awesome! And would make a good start. I will meet up with good friends that week to have brunch and lovely talks. I’m afraid that the jumping on three kings day won’t happen due to bad weather. But maybe I will have the time to go skiing finally painfree that month. Seems like I have a lot to do until it’s February, right?